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Birthday, Wedding, and Memorial Day – and randoms… May 27, 2009
Saturday night we celebrated my brother-in-law’s 40th birthday. Hubert’s actual birthday was on the 13th, but the party was just this weekend. My brother, sister-in-law, and niece came in town for the occasion as well. A few cousins were originally going to come, but they had some stuff to do for the new house that they bought. John and I brought some old liquor that we had (from our stock-the-bar shower back in 2007) for the old birds to drink. We had a wonderful time and I managed not to get thrown into the pool – even though my husband was one of the man handlers throwing everyone into the pool. Only one person (Dana) brought their bathing suit, so everyone else was in their party clothes.
Sunday John and I woke up and went to church – wow what a sermon. It was as if God was speaking directly to us. Brian Jobe preached about the Beatitudes – Matthew 5: 1-12:
Now when He saw the crowds, He went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to Him, and He began to teach them saying:
Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
The main focus for the sermon with this entire passage was the “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted”. Sound like it hit home to anyone? Well, bingo – there’s me right front and center. A lot of what we learned would get lost in translation, but click here and you can check out what Brian preached on. A small gist of what we learned was that we shouldn’t walk into church feeling like we had to plaster smiles on our faces – hiding our tears. We need to let our emotions show, if we need to cry, then cry. I posted awhile ago about a particular song (Blessed be Your Name) that ALWAYS makes me choke up because I live and breath that song everyday and I sing it in church choking back the tears that want to flow from my eyes. Please make sure you check out the sermon because I am not very good and summarizing…
“We cannot be filled until we are empty and we cannot be made worthy until we recognize our unworthiness” – John MacArthur
Sunday afternoon John and I went to Freddie and Brian’s wedding. Freddie and I have been friends since she moved here from Germany in Middle school We had such a wonderful time. A few of my friends from high school (some I have known since we were 4…) were there and it was a fun time to catch up. One friend that was there we found out is expecting and another engaged – so it was a fun night to celebrate!
The wedding was at the Mansion at Forsyth Park at it was absolutely perfect! The tears started flowing as soon as Freddie’s brother walked her down the aisle. Brian and Freddie wrote out their own vows to each other and they did such an amazing job. I started thinking as they were saying their vows and then listening to the officiate go over his part and it made me realize how John and I have held onto our vows. The words seem to be just words when you are saying them that day, but later you actually start to see yourself being apart of those words and promises. For better or worse – we are living proof of that particular vow….
On a side note that has nothing to do with what I have posted above – John and I have decided not to calculate or time anything for a second child at this time in our life. We are just going to let nature take its course and whatever happens will happen. There is too much pressure in calculating days or taking my temperature – it can become obsessive and I still need (John and I both need) to work on our own healing before having another baby. If it happens then it will happen – we know that everything is in God’s time and when it happens it will be the right time for us.
Its my blog May 14, 2009
So this is where I am at today. I blog because its my outlet; I blog because it makes me feel real; I blog because I may help others who are going through similar situations; I blog because if I don’t get these feelings out then I will go insane. I don’t know who all reads my blog. I know a few friends and family that read and a couple of strangers out there and that is fine. I just want to get this out there that this blog is for me. Its not for someone else. If it does help someone in the long run then good – I hope that my pain and hurt helps others going through difficult times. It is for my health and for the benefit of my mental stability. I do not care who reads it because the truth is yes I started blogging about everything that has happened in my life because I gained so much from reading blogs of other women who have lost a child, but in the end I blog for me. I should not have to edit what I put in this blog because, “I read your blog everyday and I don’t want you to write something mean about me”. I should not have to censor MY emotions and bottle things up inside. Ok, yes, maybe I should have the guts to tell people how I really feel, but I can’t. I really and truly cannot deal with confrontation and where I am now is a whole lot better then where I used to be.
There was a time when I had no self-esteem, where I was a size 2-4 and still thought I was fat, when I had a little acne and I thought I looked like a pizza, and when my teeth were crooked and I felt like the ugliest person in the world. Who was I to tell others my problems? Why would anyone care what the lowly crooked tooth pizza face fat girl felt like? Maybe it was from being an adolescent or maybe it was something else, but that’s how it was. I have grown out of that now and I have been away from that person for a long time. I have confidence and I do not worry as much about what others think about me – on the outside. I have spent the past few years making sure that everyone knows my inside and likes me for me rather than how I look or dress.
So, onto WHY I have written all of the above. If you have been through what I have been through finding out someone is pregnant is not the easiest thing to hear. I have told friends/family that are “trying” not to tell me in a public situation and to just let me know straight out…no games. Three weeks after Hudson was born my sister-in-law and brother-in-law told us they were expecting – I bawled my eyes out. The next week it was our friend Stacy, the next week our friend Jeannie, the next week our friend Lauren, the next week our friend Danielle, the next week our friend Melissa – are you getting where I am going with this? Its been rough and as happy as I truly am for them I am also grieving the loss of my one child, my son Hudson. It has only been 4 months. So today, I am informed someone else is pregnant. I specifically told them they needed to tell me when they found out and they respected my wishes by doing so. That should have been the end – nothing else.
Here is the “else” with the conversation. “are you pregnant” – asking me, “no, I am not” Then she askes when I will tell her when I am pregnant and I told her whenever I am ready. She mentions that I told her to tell me immediately so I should too. Nope, wrong answer – someone telling me they are pregnant is a whole different ballgame then me telling them. Its going to be a little different when John and I get pregnant again and the last thing I am worried about is telling people. Why? Because then I will have to “untell” people if we face the same situation as Hudson. Yes – that is what I think about when I think about being pregnant. As much as I want to have a child right now I am probably not ready, but then when is there ever a “ready”? When would I not have the fears of losing another child of mine? Trust me I have prayed and prayed for God to cast my fears away and He’s working on me, but its a battle – a battle that God will prevail in.
Not only did that whole conversation take place, but I was asked not to blog about it. Seriously?Just because they read my blog does not mean its for them. Its for me – like I said earlier. If you notice I never write “mean things” about people in my posts – its not my character to be that way. So why would she even say that? Why get me angry that I am not to use my outlet the way I want to use it? So, I am blogging about it without fear of hurting feelings because my feelings have been hurting for four months and do you see me complaining to anyone? No – because its life and we take what God gives to us and praise Him for all of His many blessings. When something bad happens we look to Him and I have done nothing more. So, to those that ask people like me “not to blog” don’t ever do that again.
A bittersweet experience May 10, 2009
So, it’s Mother’s Day and all week I have been thinking about what I would post on this day. Its such a bittersweet day because its my very first year to celebrate being a mother, yet I am a childless mother. Its crazy how a day like this, a day to celebrate, is yet another day to remind me that Hudson is not here. Its a day that slaps me in the face telling me I am a childless mother. I know I am a mom and I know others know I am a mom, but I think this is the hardest kind of mom to be. A mom that lives everyday knowing that her child is gone and never coming back.
This week I thought about all of the other moms out there that have lost their children – the mothers of Natalie Holloway, Lacy Peterson, and all of the other women that have left this world the past few years. How is it different for me as a mom than it is for their mothers? Its really not – they are probably feeling the same grief that I am. They are probably recalling past mother’s day presents or memories with their children, but I sit and think about what I don’t have and what I won’t have with Hudson. I have the memories of him growing inside my womb and my heart, but I don’t have memories of playing in the sand with him or helping him make a crafty project. I don’t have a school project that he made for me for mother’s day or anything – I only have the 200 days that he was in my womb and the pictures we took the day we “met” him.
Its really hard to be positive on a day such as this when I am surrounded by friends and family with their children and their pregnancies. Some days are good and still there are bad days. A person can only keep a smile on their broken heart for so long. As happy and joyful as I am for everyone else while they celebrate with their children the more I want to crawl in a hole and sit there until the day is over. Of course I would never do such a thing – I don’t like dirt – but its a thought that has crossed my mind.
Once again I have been showered with support from family and friends with flowers and cards and it means the world to me that I am not forgotten and that Hudson is not forgotten. Me being a mother only makes Hudson’s memory and existance more real because you can’t have one without the other.
A bittersweet experience May 9, 2009
So, it’s Mother’s Day and all week I have been thinking about what I would post on this day. It’s such a bittersweet day because it’s my very first year to celebrate being a mother, yet I am a childless mother. It’s crazy how a day like this, a day to celebrate, is yet another day to remind me that Hudson is not here. It’s a day that slaps me in the face telling me I am a childless mother. I know I am a mom and I know others know I am a mom, but I think this is the hardest kind of mom to be. A mom that lives everyday knowing that her child is gone and never coming back.
This week I thought about all of the other moms out there that have lost their children – the mothers of Natalie Holloway, Lacy Peterson, and all of the other women that have left this world the past few years. How is it different for me as a mom than it is for their mothers? It’s really not – they are probably feeling the same grief that I am. They are probably recalling past mother’s day presents or memories with their children, but I sit and think about what I don’t have and what I won’t have with Hudson. I have the memories of him growing inside my womb and my heart, but I don’t have memories of playing in the sand with him or helping him make a crafty project. I don’t have a school project that he made for me for mother’s day or anything – I only have the 200 days that he was in my womb and the pictures we took the day we “met” him.
It’s really hard to be positive on a day such as this when I am surrounded by friends and family with their children and their pregnancies. Some days are good and still there are bad days. A person can only keep a smile on their broken heart for so long. As happy and joyful as I am for everyone else while they celebrate with their children the more I want to crawl in a hole and sit there until the day is over. Of course I would never do such a thing – I don’t like dirt – but it’s a thought that has crossed my mind.
Once again I have been showered with support from family and friends with flowers and cards and it means the world to me that I am not forgotten and that Hudson is not forgotten. Me being a mother only makes Hudson’s memory and existence more real because you can’t have one without the other. 
